Thursday, January 6, 2011

Oh yeah Season 3 Yeah!!!

So it is almost that time.  Time for America to huddle around the tv at 10 o'clock EST and laugh at the train wreck that is Jersey Shore.  I won't lie, when I saw previews of season 1 I was a little turned off.  I thought it was, well pretty much what it is, a bunch of wop degos thinking they're hot shit getting all hammered on camera.  I mean if The Sitch and Pauly D weren't on the show it would be the dumbest thing that has ever graced the air waves.  Those two just make the show by acting the way you are not supposed to act when starring in a reality show.  Everything they do is strictly for the cameras which is brilliant.  You gotta love when they have a bunch of skanks ready to jump in jacuzzi and one of the skanks opens their mouth and says something that is displeasing to the Sitch.  He just pauses, looks at the camera, and proceeds to order the skank a cab.  I don't know if it's because these skanks know they're on tv or if they really just have zero self respect for themselves.  Any girl outside of the Jersey Shore world would be like, "Fuck you, dickhead.  I don't want to jump in your jacuzzi cuz you're a greasy, garlic knot making mother fucker and that tub probably has every kind of STD swimming around in it.". 

On to the females of the show.  Snooki.  Oh Snooki.  I would plow the shit out of Snooki.  Not because she is attractive, because we all know that isn't true, but because she is about 4'8 with Q size tits.  I mean I don't think I have ever really seen a midget with that large of a chest.  I would titty bang her so hard her family back in Italy would feel it.  Then you got JWoww.  This bitch is bound for an insane asylum.  Yeah ok, after she cakes her face with make up and lets those fake ass titties hang out, she's not too bad.  But when you get her going first thing in the morning, she can give us normal people nightmares.  I just want to see those bare tits once to see if I would suck on those pepperonis she's probably rocking underneath those half shirts she wears. 

Apparently there is a new chick on the show this season.  From watching the commercials, she likes to drink as much as Snooki and loves knocking bitches like JWoww.  Pretty much, she's ex-wife material.  She is a midget that is swinging at anyone who looks at her the wrong way or calls her fake (Degos apparently don't like being called fake).  Either way, she will probably contribute to the show better than that Angelina cunt who thought she was hot and stuck around after being told on a daily basis no one liked her and she was fucking disgusting. 

For anyone who has a problem with Jersey Shore then you must have a problem with yourself.  This is entertainment at it's finest seeing that these clowns do things that no one decent human being would do.  Pretty much, rather than us looking stupidly drunk and dancing like a morons, we can tune into MTV on Thursday nights at 10 EST and live vicariously through these wop degos. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Who Needs Lebron? We got this guy now.

Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I just want to say that I didn't believe that this was this guy's real voice. I think his name is Teddy. Teddy here allegedly went to school and studied how to sound like an On Air Personality but got mixed up in drugs and alcohol that's why he landed on the streets. Hey Teddy, maybe you should of paid attention in D.A.R.E classes and you wouldn't be in this predicament in first place. Don't get me wrong, I am all for people getting second chances but the fucking Cavs have the worst record in the Eastern Conference and we're still trying to get over that cock sucking, self-absorbed, Game 5 quitting mother fucker leaving town. I guess we need to find a quality replacement for the legendary Joe Tait but we should of at least taken a look at the guy who announces people's names and tells them to come on down on The Price Is Right. Although, it would be pretty sweet to see Teddy here dressed in some of Craig Sager's suits.

Phillip! You Old Sailor, You!!   < This is what Phillip probably had to go through.

The Zen is a boy toy?!?!?!? You bet your ass he is.  This cat has got a fist full of jewelry and is a lock for first ballot hall of famer.  I don't even get what Mark Cuban's motive was to knock Jeanie Buss for thinking Phillip is a boy toy.  I'd be her boy toy any day of the week.  She's a smoke show with a SHIT TON of dough.  I would do so many unsavory things to that little tasty slice of fuck pie.  I used to like Mark Cuban, too.  Now I think I might be more of Phil Jackson fan strictly because at the ripe age of 65, he's still laying pipe while winning championships.  Golf clap, Phillip. 

Who wouldn't want to be her boy toy?  I'd motor boat the shit out of this little minx.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Just Give It Up

Wow!!! Out of pro football (allegedly) for a day and grey bush seems to steal the spotlight again.  On a night where the future of the NFL (Andrew Luck) is playing in one of his biggest games of his life and this has to come out.  You should be ashamed of yourself, grey bush.

For those who don't know.  Brett Favre is being accused of yet another infidelity while he was playing for the New York Jets.  Apparently, #4 sent sexual advances to two female (Gotta clear that up, I never know who I'm working with on the Catch of the Day) massage therapists FORMERLY employed by the Jets.  I say FORMERLY because it is alleged that these 2 therapists weren't offer further employment after they respectfully declined Favre's ding a ling.  Shocking. 

Now these two ungrateful little bitches are suing Favre along with the Jets for sexual misconduct in the workplace yaddah yaddah yaddah.  Favre's is worrying about this like he is worrying about next week's defense (The Vikings are not in the playoffs.  Again, gotta clear it up for the morons on Catch of the Day).  My prediction is that he gave Jenn Sterger an undisclosed payout, these skanks found out so they're making headlines and then staying quiet.  Come on, the guy (Favre) made $20 million this season, you think he's worried about a cool mil to each skank he sexually harrassed?  Nope.  Just another page taken out of The Tiger Manual of Marriage

Betting the House

So porn king, Steve Hirsch is betting the house that OctoMom's appearance in one of his movies will break the bank.  Let's hope.  The porn kingpin is putting an offer out to take care of the note on the reality tv star's house that is currently being foreclosed.  Below is the link to where you can find more articles regarding this train wreck of a mother.  I frankly don't give a shit about this tramp, I think she is disgusting and if I had the funds I would take care of the foreclosure and tack on a few more duckets just so she DIDN'T take her clothes off.  That's me though.

Grade School Drama

This is probably one of the more blown up stories making it's rounds through the internet today.  Selena Gomez, who stars on Nickelodeon or Disney or some station I haven't watched since I was sucking on Mama Tuna's breasts, has been receiving death threats for recent pictures involving her new beau, Justin Bieber.  Apparently, her and the Biebs were recently photographed  on their Carribean vacation all over eachother which is pretty sweet because she is a little older than him if I'm not mistaken.  You can tell that it is only the 12 and 13 year old girls of America who are threatening to ice Selena.  I mean look at all the tweets that were sent to @selenagomez on  One is like "@selenagomez I swear if you are the girlfriend of Justin Bieber then I will kill you :@".  Really???  You're going to cap your death threat with a fucking smiley face?  That's like saying, "@selenagomez I'm going to have my mom drive me to your house and beat the shit out of you with my Hannah Montana life size doll".  It just doesn't fit.

I don't see why Ms. Gomez is getting so much shit thrown at her.  You don't Giselle getting death threats and she is married to Tom Brady with photos of her pretty much making Brady her bitch.  First she's kissing other guys then there are pictures of Brady riding bitch instead of shotgun.  I would also think that Brady's ladies are much more capable of inflicting any type of physical pain onto another person as opposed to the big wheel riding bitches that are knocking on Selena.  Don't worry Selena, Tuna's got your back.

All Alone

So Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis have called it quits.  Thank Christ!!!  Jackie from That 70's Show was way too hot for Kevin from Home Alone.  I mean come on, Jackie.  You used to get plowed my Ashton Kutcher pretty much before he was ASHTON KUTCHER.  You have been the voice over in one of most successful animated series on television since The Simpsons in Family Guy.  In my opinion, she was the hottest she has ever been in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  A) We all got to see her tits.  B) She was a pretty bad ass chick.  C)  We all got to see her tits.  Brains, beauty, and a sense of humor will get you pretty much any guy you want.  So saying that, Mila, why the fuck would you date a knob who can't seem to successfully go on vacation with his family who is the size of a large small country?  For those who do not agree with me, take a look at the picture below and rethink your argument. 

Kevin, your girlfriend.  YOWWWZAAAA!!!